For the last few years, I have better managed the impact of negative emotions inside me and as expressed by others.
When I was younger, I had made a conscious choice where I didn’t like a certain aspect of my character and wanted to change it there and then for the better and I did. And it stuck. I did something similar a couple of years ago where I needed to deal better with negative/aggressive emotion. I latched on to that old phrase “all things must come to pass” and have kept saying it since, in times of need. So that, amidst the worst and most eruptive emotional tension, I try not to become imbalanced (streeeeeessssss) – knowing that all is not just temporary but that it has to be this way and is for a reason and that, while absorbing negative emotion may be necessary, my expressing negativity will also be counter-productive and pointless.
Which is just as well these days, as I seem to be a magnet for negativity or barbs from misguided appraisals of my words, thoughts and personality. It has become very tiresome. Every now and then, my heart is crushed and I just want to get away from it all, or even die (because we have to die), but I’ll survive for now.
I’m not the type to be overtly sociable when I don’t feel like it. I won’t fight to put on a cheery face (unless there is a need such as being civil or helping others) though I’m generally happy on the inside – looking at the bright side. But I’m not here to please everyone and certainly not to brown-nose my way up a social/career ladder. I rarely get the chance to please myself and seem to drift through an endless humdrum of daily tasks, eat, sleep do it all again. Where do I find the time to fake it? The desire for fashionable, social, ego, status being has never been my thing. Neither am I young, bubbly, blindly enthusiastic about my day job. I just take pride in my work and always aim to deliver my best. It pays the bills…
I’m not hooked on facebooking/selfies/twitter or wrapped in a daily comment thread of uneducated hipsters. I dip a toe in once in a while out of interest and it is already part of my job… but the stars in the sky are much more interesting to me. I look up every night, have an affair with the moon, wonder at the magnitude of life (and death), if we are alone or not… and see the circles of time and infinity that I am briefly here to witness, in this life. For I shall come again, and again and hopefully find the right path and make some progress. But I do wonder why some things really have to come to pass… like why can’t I break free from this path and get on to the one where I really want to be?
At 48, I’ve observed and learned a fair amount. As a cancerian, I’ve always managed to be objective and think laterally. So I’m aware I could be well past a midway point in this life already – who knows – and I’m trying to maintain perspective, dreams, goals – see the bigger picture and not get wrapped up in other peoples shit. I’ve also given up smoking (4weeks). I’m far from perfect but happy to be that way.
So while this blog’s a great way to put some of myself, those thoughts and dreams into words (waiting to get back on a canvas), I don’t expect everything that I write to be understood either. Sometimes I weave words within words or sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s literature and then it isn’t or its both. The bottom line is it’s probably only by talking to me that you can truly understand who I am and what I am trying to say. We can’t always ‘know’ what another feels.
When dealing with negative emotion from within or having to absorb another’s negativity either directly or indirectly, I know that the real way forwards for healing is for honest conversation. The type where one has to dig deep inside where the words are not our but our soul speaking the truth. A place where we can forgive our pain and the pain of others.
I love conversation – that’s real social media.
Unfortunately, we have all learned to become very shallow as human beings in this digital age of button clicking instantaneous gratification. We are no longer artists that ponder to look inside ourselves, searching for the truth every time we face a question. Because if we do happen to go down there and see the reality of the endless dimension of time, then we can see that we are also all the same – when you take away the outer world, the physical entourage, we are all voyagers – children of light, love and beauty. It’s amazing how many times we’ll have to keep learning that.